Tessa West is professor of psychology at New York University, where she is a leading expert on the science of social relationships. She is also the author of Job Therapy: Finding Work That Works for You. In an interview with Forbes India, she explores the reasons behind unhappiness at work and suggests ways for different types of career-goers to address individual challenges. Edited excerpts:
Q. Our psychological relationship with careers is a topic that’s rarely discussed. What led you to exploring this theme?
Our relationship with our careers is an emotionally complex one, and this really came through once I started doing research for this book. People would describe feeling “rejected” by their jobs, that they “fell out of love” with a career they were chasing for so long. The language we usually reserve for our romantic relationships, or our friendships.
In many cultures, we are told that decisions about careers should be entirely based on logic. Emotions should never be involved. But eventually, your feelings about your career will sneak in there. It took many of the people I studied a very long time—sometimes decades—to realise, “well, it turns out that logic-based approach wasn’t really working out for me. I have lots of mixed feelings about this career I need to grapple with.”
I was also trained as a relationship scientist; my first line of research in graduate school was on studying couples. And I teach a course on relationships at New York University. I see a lot of parallels in the modern person’s struggle with their career and their struggle with their romantic partners.
Q. What are the most common drivers of unhappiness at work?
Each chapter is about a different driver, but here are the top three: One, feeling like you no longer identify with a career that you have been dedicated to for a long time; two, feeling like no matter how hard you try, you just can’t land that promotion; three, chronically feeling like you are forced to choose which thing to get done, with a never-ending pile of work.
Q. Has the pandemic made these issues worse?
The pandemic led to a shift in people’s psychological relationships with their careers. Many decided they wanted some distance. Others decided they wanted a “passion filled” career. Both groups fell into the “quiet quitting” category, and many were having a crisis of identity at the time. A lot of people tried something new, but went right back to their old careers. By and large, they didn’t go through the right steps to find a career that fits. What the pandemic did is make a lot of people realise that they were unhappy; it did not help solve the problem.
Q. We often carry workplace emotions into our personal lives. How can we break this unhealthy pattern?
Here are some things that don’t work. First, don’t try to supress your emotions by telling yourself to not feel them. Second, don’t assume that you have control over how much your emotions leak out.
The first step in breaking the pattern is to learn what the pattern is. Take the Daily Stress Test in the opening chapter of my book, to learn yours. Then, you can build small steps to reduce stress. Sometimes, there are small things that lead to a spike in stress that we don’t pay much attention to unless we write them down; things like getting to work late because your commute took an extra 10 minutes, which made you late to your meeting. You don’t realise it at the time, but you carry that stress with you the rest of the day, and then home with you at the end of it.
Also read: Finding your fit: How to uncover a company’s true culture
Q. What’s ‘identity centrality’? Is it a barrier while considering a career pivot?
Identity centrality is about how central your identity at work is to how you define yourself as a person. There are people who are perfectly happy at work who are low on identity centrality. They go to work, go home, and do other things that define them. Other people are defined by their careers. If they do well at work, their self-esteem goes up. If they do poorly, it crashes. There is another concept related to this called ‘identity satisfaction’—how much you like your workplace identity. You can be high on one and low on another.
The real barrier people face is when they are high on identity centrality—their career defines them as a person—but low on identity satisfaction—but they hate it.
You can explore new careers while your old one still defines you, but you shouldn’t walk away until you can confidently say yes to the question, “If I could never do this job again, would I feel okay with that?”
Q. How crucial is networking when looking for a new job? Who should we connect with during job search?
Networking is critical. But in Job Therapy, I give the word ‘networking’ a bit of makeover. The goal of networking is to learn about other people’s jobs.
Don’t spend networking conversations talking about yourself, spend them asking questions. The people you should connect with are those who can tell you the parts of the job not advertised on websites. And don’t go for high status, well-connected people at first, go for those who have tried and done well at a career you are interested, and those who have tried and failed.
Imagine if you could talk to every ex-partner of the person you are about to date before you dated them. Would you do it? I would. The ones who had a great relationship with them, and the ones who didn’t. Your next career is that partner.
Q. How important is it to see interviews as a two-way street? How does this approach ensure a good fit for both the employer and the job-seeker?
Very important. And hiring managers like it when interviewees do this. You should look like you have done a lot of digging to understand the nature of the job. Ask pointed questions like a journalist who knows who they are interviewing. Treat it like a date, where you want to know what deal breakers there are, and what you might be missing that you will need to make this job work.
Q. A few questions interviewees could ask…
Why did the last person fail at this role (losses loom large, the hiring manager will probably know)?
I have the skill of X from my last job, but I want to make sure I could execute that skill at this job. Do you have a system to help new employees learn the ropes when it comes to skills transfer?
Do you share your process for promotions with your employees? What goes into decision-making?
What’s the feedback culture like here? Is it mostly formal, or also informal?
Q. What should an ‘underappreciated star’ look for in a new career opportunity?
First, they need to know if there’s a market for their starhood. Often the answer is, “not right now”. I see a lot of underappreciated stars leaving the traditional workplace and trying their hand at startups. Being their own boss. It feels fresher, but naturally, riskier. And that can be a good thing if you have the right scaffolding in place.
The main issue is that you need to be willing to take risks being a bit uncomfortable in an environment where you don’t know everything. Stars are used to being on top. Having status and power. But, to grow, you might need to leave this job for something that feels foreign at first.
Q. Three tips for strategically applying for jobs…
Tailor your materials (résumé and cover letter) to every job you are applying for.
Don’t apply cold. Reach out to hiring managers first to see what they are looking for.
Let the parts of your résumé talk to each other. If roles overlap, explain how.